Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
