i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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