I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
