I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
