Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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