what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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