I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
