Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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