Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
