you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i came on her dog
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
