i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
