she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
