dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
