were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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