That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
