please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
