I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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