cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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