I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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