bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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