The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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