yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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