tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
