1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
