Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Randomize
