i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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