was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
