I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
