someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
