apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Watching her eat just hurts me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
