How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
