Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
