Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
