just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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