In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
