Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
