i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is it because I queefed?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
