she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
