Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
