She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
