mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is classic penis vs brain.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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