apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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