oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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