I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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