You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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