Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
