Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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