just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
