the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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