i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
