the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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