My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
