That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize