So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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