I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Who died my cat blue again?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
