he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you would pick up someone in the library
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
