Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize