Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
