Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
