your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
