Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
