I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
