The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
